Monday, October 01, 2012

It has been 8 months since we lost Lyndon.  I originally wrote this at the 2 month mark but didn't have the strength to share it.

As I slowly move through my grieving process I find that my thoughts keep coming back to the same question. What now? I have always felt that there were more children out there for me and my family, that we have so much love to share. I have had blessings that say that more children will come into our home. But at the same time, I can't imagine putting my body, my mind, my husband, or my children through another pregnancy. It would be torture. In the last 2 years I have spent 57 weeks pregnant, spent approximately 300 days throwing up, spent around 45hrs in labour, I have gained and lost and gained and lost and gained about 40lb and I have broken 4 teeth due to the constant vomiting and stress induced teeth grinding. Those are just a few of the physical consequences. I'll choose not to go over the emotional and spiritual issues at this point. I have gone through all of it and have virtually nothing to show for it. Almost everyone would think I am crazy to even consider trying again. I don't want to try again.
The problem is hope. When you are a victim of infertility and/or pregnancy loss, people tell you stories. Everyone tells you stories. The stories of friends and families that have had a success after years of trying and have never been happier. The stories where the trial was worth the reward. The happy ending. No one tells you about the couples that gave up, the ones that couldn't keep going. People think that they are helping when they tell you about the triumph over heartache but I have now come to realize that for me, I probably won't get my happy ending. Accepting that is very, very painful.
So what do I do now? Who am I if I am not trying to have a baby? This pursuit has been the main focus of my life for the last 8 years and if not this, than what? I know I have a lot to work through, a long way to go and a lot of questions to answer. Time to hunt up my crystal ball.

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