I haven't written much over the past few years and the truth is that I've been conflicted. The truth is that the things that I feel compeled to write about are the very things that I don't want the world to know. But now it's time to come clean, to tell my truth.
I am a 5 time pregnancy loss survivor.
I have had 5 babies die in the last 6 years. 5. Dead. Babies.
I use the term survivor loosly. The me that I was before all of my trouble started did not survive. I have changed. I have started to look at it like the equivelent of a fertility lightning strike. I am still alive but I am different. I am not the same as most of you. I was struck by lightning.
In my heart I am the Mother of seven but I only get to acknowledge 2. When you meet someone and they ask you how many kids you have they don't want to know about the dead ones. Nothing stops a conversation faster than talking about dead babies. So I don't. I say I have two children, a girl and a boy, and it breaks my heart every time. So here, today, I'm finally going to tell the truth. My truth. I have 7 children and they are:
Megan, Daughter, Nov. 2001 age 10
Dallin, Son, Oct. 2003, age 8
Taylor, Unknown, Aug. 2006 14 weeks
Avery, Unknown. May 2008, 10 weeks
Elijah, Son, Aug. 2010, 18 weeks
Jay, Son, June 2011, 16 weeks
Lyndon, Daughter, Feb. 2012, 23 weeks
I miss my babies.